I’m a very emotional person.
Now I say this and you might think, “Well everyone’s emotional. You’re probably just a silly hormonal girl who is overly dramatic.” And you’re right. I’m all of the above.
But the thing about me is…I know I’m emotional. I know that I over-dramatize things. I’ve always done it. Well, I’ve done it for as long as I can remember doing it. Anyway, the point I’m making is that, yes, I am a very emotional girl and I embrace it. Let me try to describe what I mean.
I was watching Doctor Who yesterday. I had a marathon for myself where I literally watched it all day long. The show is very emotional, as the main girl character goes. Her name’s Rose, and she travels with the Doctor because she feels that she is a restless spirit like he is. She wants to travel the universe and be with him, because she finds out that she’s in love with him. Whenever he’s in danger, she wants to be there to protect him and hold his hand. She’d do anything for him. And the Doctor feels the same. He’d do anything for his Rose, and he gets so angry when things happen to her. It’s a rather touching relationship, in my opinion.
The Doctor was reluctant to fall for Rose at first, since he basically was immortal and she wasn’t. But her never ending love for him eventually changed his mind, and you could tell throughout the series that he had fallen for her. I loved this aspect of the show, since I’m always looking for some sort of adventure. That’s how I want to live my life! I want to go out, explore the world around me, fall in love with a great man, and be happy.
Now how does this relate to me being emotional? Well, when it comes to people and how they feel, I can take their feeling and actually understand how they feel. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true. If something bad happens to someone close to me, I feel as if I can tap into their pain and cry with them. Or if someone is very happy, I can laugh with them and be glad for them. It’s a gift and a curse. (See, there’s me being all dramatic again. I watch too many movies.)
Anyway, I felt like I was Rose in the series. Not at first, mind you, but after a while I realized that she was doing everything I’d ever wanted to do, but was too scared to accomplish. That’s why I liked watching the show. I could escape my reality and delve into the Who-niverse as Rose Tyler, the girl who fell in love with the crazy Doctor and travels the stars with him to live happily ever after. I was content in that world, because it was…homey.
But that changed as the storyline in the show did.
As the show progressed, Rose and the Doctor got into some big messes. They’d always ended up fine before, so I wasn’t too worried about it…But that soon changed. Rose ended up in another universe away from the Doctor because he wanted her to stay safe, and they could never see each other again. It was impossible for the Doctor to travel to the parallel universe that Rose was stuck in, and she was devastated. The season ended with Rose finally telling the Doctor that she loved him, but he wasn’t able to say it back before he was sucked away into his own universe.
That hit me like a ton of bricks on top of a train going >9000 mph. Seriously. Because I felt like Rose…I felt that devastating feeling of being left alone and away from the Doctor. And after all the adventures they had! Then the show pissed me off because they got some random chick to be the Doctor’s new sidekick, so I just skipped that season. It was completely stupid, since she didn’t take Rose’s place. Even the Doctor knew she wouldn’t take the blonde’s place in his heart. So I skipped on to the fourth season, where I hoped Rose would soon appear.
It turns out that Rose and UNIT, a team specially designed for alien technology, were able to find that world’s version of the TARDIS, and they created a way to travel from parallel world to world, searching for the Doctor. They started out just making this machine for Rose, but things started happening in space around the Earth, so they also needed the Doctor to help save the world.
But while that’s happening, the Doctor is traveling with a random woman named Donna, who keeps appearing in his life for some odd reason. I didn’t watch those episodes because I wanted to know what Rose was doing. She realized that Donna was traveling with her Doctor, so she found a way to only appear to Donna as a hologram-type thing to give the Doctor warnings about the worlds around them. She said the Darkness was coming, and when Donna gave Rose’s message of “Bad Wolf” to the Doctor, he knew that she was still out there, trying to find him.
Anyway, the story goes on, Donna ends up being some half-human, half-Time Lord after making contact with the Doctor’s left over hand he’d been keeping in a jar. It was there in case he needed to regenerate, and when Donna touched it, she basically made the Doctor’s hand regenerate into another whole Doctor, who was part human, but had all the Doctor’s memories and quirks and everything. These two make it to the other Doctor and Rose and the gang, and they eventually save the universe from the Darkness.
At the end, everyone who traveled with the Doctor and Rose part ways. They grouped together, so they weren’t alone, which was good. But the Doctor ended up taking Rose and her family back to their parallel universe where they’d been living previously. They had been listed as dead in their previous world, so they had to live in that parallel universe. Rose was upset because she knew the Doctor couldn’t stay in that world with her, but he promised he would be with her forever because his part human self would stay with her. They were the same being, but he only had one heart (Time Lords have two), so he would grow old with Rose and they could actually have a life together. He finally told her that he loved her, and they kissed in the end, letting the Doctor leave in the TARDIS for good.
Now that seems like it ends up happy, right? Well for Rose and the human Doctor, it does end well. They’ll live and die together, and they’ll never be apart. But as I was thinking about it, I realized something. I thought I could identify with Rose, because she was the main girl and she wanted adventure. But she wasn’t the one I identified with at all. And it took me the whole series to actually get it.
I didn’t fit as Rose. I fit as the Doctor.
Now you’re thinking, “Well how could you identify with him?” Well, in the show, the Doctor is about 900 years old. He’s the last of his kind, and he just travels around, helping people, falling in love, watching friends die, and leaving again. Now I’m not saying that I do any of those things, but I do know why I identify with him so much.
He’s always wanting to help people.
And that’s what I do. All the time. I never want to stop helping people. (Don’t think I’m getting a big head, actually it’s quite the opposite.) I couldn’t just leave someone who needed help; I’d do anything in my power to stop whatever was happening that was bad. Well, the Doctor was just like that! Whatever the situation, he’d always strive to help the people in pain, even if it meant losing his life or losing the ones he loved the most. He was always willing to give the ultimate sacrifice for people he didn’t even know that well. I feel that I’m the same way. I’d do anything in my power to help those who really needed it, whether I knew them or not. So yes, in this way I was like the Doctor.
So why is that a bad thing? Well, I’m a very emotional person. The Doctor was emotional, but he had to control it since he was the last of his kind. He had to learn how to be alone, and how to cope with things like that. But me…I’m just a human! I don’t know how to deal with things like that. After the Doctor left the last season being alone again, even after having all those memories of his friends traveling with him, and Rose being separated with him forever…This overwhelming feeling of alone-ness came over me. I don’t want to be alone.
Being alone…That’s what I’m scared of most. And I know that was just a show…but it was the idea that was so real to me. I can’t be alone. It’s truly my biggest fear. I don’t know what would happen to me if that occurred. I’d go crazy, probably. There’s no way I could mentally cope with something like that. After watching that show and realizing that deep fear, I was in shock. I physically became sick and I had a massive panic attack. I was crying, and a part of me actually thought I was going to die. Let me stress that again.
I thought I was going to die.
That’s how strong the feeling was. I was completely terrified. I’ve never been that afraid in my life. It wasn’t fear that you’d get from a scary movie or something…no, it was pure psychological fear from my head and to my toes. I couldn’t even sleep because I was so terrified and I kept throwing up from being so nervous. Why was this happening to me? I’ve watched shows before that ended up worse…Why was this show hitting me so close to home?
I’ll never know the answer to that. Even today, as I think back on that terrible fear, I get a queasy feeling in my stomach. It’s terrifying.
But I won’t ever truly be alone. I’ve got God with me always, and I know He’ll be here for me whenever I need him. I also have pets who seem to understand when I’m scared, since both my dog and my cat slept with me last night without me even asking. And I have family and friends who I know will love me forever, even with my crazy faults and strange mind. I know that, when ever I start to feel scared or worried or afraid, I just think of the people who are in my life and I thank God for every one of them. They are what keep me going. They are what keep me from going crazy. They are what keep me from feeling so alone.
But a part of me will feel out of place, missing, and alone. That place that only a special significant other can fill. If I ever find someone who can take all my ups and downs and love me for who I am and not what I wear or what job I have or how much money I make…Then I know I’ll be set for life. My mom always tells me, “Katie, you don’t need a man in your life to make you complete.” But sorry Mom, I’ve watched too many movies and read too many books to think that way. I pray that God gives me that perfect man just for me, and I pray that we truly have a good life, in His name. If that doesn’t happen…well, I have faith that God will keep me occupied with good friends and even greater family.
Well, I feel loads better after writing all of this! (: If you read this, then I applaud you. I usually write when I need to get things off of my heart, and this really helped me. If you’re reading, thank you for taking the time to try to delve into my mind for a few brief moments today. I know it’s a crazy place, but it’s really fun once you get used to its ups and downs. :P
Will I ever find my Doctor. Or my Rose? (Not gender specific, mind you. I’m not a lesbo or whatever.) Only time will tell.
Whoo, I love you. <3